What I wish I could say to my coworkers and those men in need of someone to talk to.

To preface this I am a registered nurse, I do not hate women in fact I work with some very strong women who I admire and kick ass with and have fought Covid with this whole time. I work in critical care with the sickest of the sick and have seen more death than most soldiers. We work long hours 13+ sometimes in order to do our jobs and a lot of times we share our life experiences with each other.

So because my coworkers saw me go through Divorce and saw me fight and win against an abusive relationship and come out on the other side of it, choose to go my own way, and not just jump into another long term relationship and wife up the first woman who comes along they chose to label me as a “woman hater”. And as many women do they pass this information on to anyone new who did not see me struggle with the choices I made for myself to leave that abusive relationship and start on my own journey and raise my son as a man. There is a huge click at my job who holds onto the opinion that I hate women. Sometimes I compare them to bees because it is bee brained thinking to see that because a man struggles against one woman that he hates all women. Its like if a bee stings you and you pull him off and the stinger out and stomp on him and say “fucking bees” you must hate all bees. The big click of nurses in my unit call themselves “the Boo crew” and wear matching headbands, matching scrubs, and constantly encourage new girls to join their click. But to me they are more like the Bee brain crew. I am leaving for a higher paying job, almost double my old salary, but one of the best parts is that I am getting away from the bee brains and am able to start a new job and focus on being the best nurse I can be for my patients without the judgement of my coworkers. I will leave my past behind at my old hospital as that is the place I met my ex-wife and I think one of the reasons I stayed there, 14 years, was for sentimental value.

Nurses are pretty strong people we see the worst of what human beings can go through while they are sick and especially in cases of trauma they see the worst of what people do to each other. Shootings, stabbings, rape, assault, robbery, murder, child molestation, human trafficking, and abuse all occur on a regular basis in Los Angeles and we deal with the victims as well as the perpetrators of such crimes. But as most nurses are women they often times do not have much sympathy for men. Often times when men are in pain its common in the nursing world to hear “men are such babies”. But when a woman does the same its “get her some pain medicine right away”. A couple of days ago there was a patient, a male in his late 40s, who was really sick but also severely depressed and looked absolutely depressed. I asked my coworker if he was divorced and sure enough he was, and his wife was keeping the kids away from him. Right away my coworker who is one of the new ones brainwashed by the old coworkers snapped at me, “are you going to say this is a woman’s fault we all know who you blame for all the wrong in the world”. “No I responded this isn’t about the woman at all but more about the man and how men feel a tremendous sense of loss and failure after divorce, some become severely depressed and instead of picking themselves up and dusting themselves off and making life better for themselves they give up, feel despondent and there is a lot of societal pressure telling them they are bad for getting a divorce.”. My coworker responded with “He just needs to get over it.”

I left my wife after she enabled her 18 year old son to sell opiates out of our home and smoke weed in the house all day and move in a 15 year old girl. One night I threw all his weed, and pills, and scales and all his paraphernalia in the garbage and threw the cat litter on top of it and dumped water on top of that to make it a big drug cat shit soup. My stepson came into my room while I was sleeping and started pounding on my head screaming about how much money his drugs were worth. He punched me in the face and bloodied my nose and the whole side of my head were swollen and there was blood all over my shirt after that. My wife and her daughter got between him and when the police were called my wife said “Please don’t file a report he already has a felony for battery and it will be permanent if you do and he will go away for a long time.”

I did not file the report and months later let my stepson back into the house where he proceeded to continue his drug dealing and weed smoking. Sometimes I would be reading to my then 8 year old son and I could smell the weed smoke coming into the vents and thought to myself why am I allowing this in my own house. Why doesn’t my wife back me up and why does she say “Our only job is to provide a loving home to our children”, my response was “No our job is to Parent our children.” Why does my wife say “Well he wouldn’t have attacked you if you didn’t make him mad by throwing away his stuff.” Why does my wife live in denial of criminal behavior even after I show her photos of drugs, recordings of him leaving on drug deals with strange people who show up to our home, and plead with her to send him to his dads house. I loved my wife immensely and saw her as doing what moms do and not as an enabler which she was. I had been with her and her two children for 10 years and was what some men refer to as a “Blue Pill Hero”.

I walked up to her one day after I had reached my threshold of bullshit and said “I do not want to live in a drug house, I do not want to be with you anymore, I am getting a divorce.” I chose to take myself and my son out of that situation at least half the time. I went to court, won no child support and 50% custody of my son. My old coworkers at the time came up to me and high fived me and said “Its about time, we couldn’t tell you anything because you loved her so much but you did not deserve to live that way.” I got a small apartment that my ex-wife called “lonely and pathetic”. But it had something she can not provide. A father’s love.

My ex-wife’s two children assaulted and robbed my stepdaughters boyfriend at gunpoint and beat him up pretty bad breaking his hand and his leg 6 months after I left and they both got 7 years in prison where they currently reside. They never heard the word “NO” from their mother and when I would say it she would always “momma bear” over them and disrespect me right in front of them negating my word as a parent but still I kicked kids out that they tried to move in and tried my best to show them that sometimes their decisions weren’t the best. Her children caused a lot of strife in our marriage and were eventually the catalyst for me leaving. My ex-wife currently has a new boyfriend who beat her up one day and she went back to him out of desperation and “he makes good money, and I need to forgive him.” She often said about me “when I met you, you worked five 12 hour shifts a week.” My ex-wife had life easy when she was with me and only worked two days a week and I let her spend her money on whatever she wanted while I paid all the bills. I loved my broken sick princess despite all her many faults but a man can only take so much and you have to do what is right for your children.

One of the types of patients I deal with are morbidly obese men and women over 500lbs or 227kg for my metric people out there. I am very strong physically and lift weights to maintain that strength so they give me these large patients because I can move them. I often ask them “How do you think you got so big, did you have something bad happen to you in the past? Something that made you depressed?” For women the answer is often the death of a child. I cannot even imagine the pain associated with that. For men the answer is often that they went through a divorce. I can imagine that and experienced that pain myself. I know the pain, the sense of failure, the depression, even the suicidal thoughts that many men succumb to that accompanies divorce. But I decided to pick myself up, dust myself off, and carry on and better myself.

After living in an apartment with my son in the same room for two years, I bought a condominium and two years after that I bought a house. My son has his own room now all decked out with all the accouterments and painted the color of his choosing by me. I am a military veteran and in the US the VA home loan is a tremendous gift to us for serving our country because it is very hard to buy a home in Los Angeles where houses are more than $500k in a decent neighborhood. But being a nurse in LA has been good to me and I encourage men to look into the field as we need more men. I have usually had a nice house, a good car, food on the table and have been able to provide for my family.

It was not easy. That anger, sadness, and sense of failure of divorce often attacked me. I was pretty angry. It made it hard for me to love another woman who loved me very much. I have decided to go my own way, for me its best. I am very independent and do not need someone to “complete me” as Jerry Maguire once said. I love spending time with my son although he is a teen now and doesn’t want to be bothered by his dad I bother him anyway and try to guide him as much as I can. My son is highly intelligent and does well in school. We have traveled to 5 of the 7 continents together and were supposed to travel to South America and Antarctica this winter but probably not because of Covid.

There is not much to do right now with Covid and fires that rage all around where we live and a smoke filled sky and super hot weather but we make our own joy in our home. We are gamers and I workout and hike most everyday. Hiking and exercise are very good for healing and the soul. For any man who is going through divorce please remember it will get better. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, fight for your children right away, and may you strive to live the best life you can and if you need someone to talk to I am here without judgement or malice. Oh yeah, I don’t hate women despite what bee brains think ;-).

I am glad to see MGTOW2 as a much more productive space and here for men who sometimes need to process like me. As was said about the old MGTOW this space is often a “hospital” a place I am more than familiar with. Please refrain from telling me that I need to STFU at work I already know that or telling me what I should have done different in the past. As with other things in life I had to learn my lessons the hard way. The past is the past, sometimes we write about it to process it but we don’t have to second guess it because it is not possible to travel back in time and change it.

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